I want to tell you a story. One many people will be shocked to read. A few weeks ago I divorced my husband. He wasn’t aware I had reached this point in our relationship. Throughout this entire year, I have been on a journey of self-discovery and reflection. I’ve been overly disappointed by some of the people I’ve believed loved me my entire life. I have learned that the word “family” extends beyond blood relationships. Making the decision to finally let go of the marriage I said “I do” too three and a half years ago was months in the making.
I finally realized that I would never be able to live up to the stay-at-home, raise a family traditional lifestyle most people think I have. It’s actually the opposite. Being my husbands “wife” was literally killing me. I had no idea who she was nor what her purposed in life was supposed to be. I found myself going to counselling to be a better wife. I read books and blogs. I watched youtube videos of large families living their happy go lucky, sometimes chaotic lives meal prepping and saving money. I consulted friends whose marriages looked like what I thought a marriage should be. I searched for years to find my place among the long line of wives in history.
Then I stopped.
I stopped everything. I stopped trying to “be” this woman my husband needed. I stopped applauding his efforts of making me happy as his wife. I stopped caring. I stopped loving. I stopped living this lie that I felt entrapped under for the past few years and divorced him (in my head).
I began to do things that did not mirror a solid marriage. I talked to almost every ex I’ve had. Enlightening conversations to say the least. If you ever need a reality check have a candid conversation with someone you had a nasty break up with years later and they will tell you about the pieces of yourself you often forget exist. I was forced to acknowledge “I’m not wife material.”
I’ve known for quite some time that I was not the average woman. I’ve lived with secrets. I’ve overcome a past that should have killed me or at least left me unable to function in the real world. I’ve danced with fallacies in my mind and dreamed my way out of poverty. I’ve been on government assistance and gone to bed hungry. I know what struggle looks like, feels like and smells like. I reached a point where that life was more appealing than being someone’s wife.
Now mind you, while this was partly my husband’s fault, it was 90% all me. I’m a realist in life. I’ve askd him multiple time why are you here? Why won’t you leave? He simply states our wedding vows and leaves me speechless. When I told him I had divorced him and the idea of being his wife he was a little shocked at first, but I think he’s coming around to it.
Divorcing the idea of who and what we should be as a married couple has been the greatest thing for our lives. He’s my boyfriend again. Back in the day when he wasn’t wrapped up in trying to “fix” my life and had opportunities to love me as a woman, we laughed. We spent quality time together. Every conversation wasn’t about money nor how we spent it. Life was better. It was what led him to propose in the first place. Now we’ve rekindled that new love. That discovery love. Those moments Hallmark movies show to remind the characters who they are or once were. We’ve reentered that space in love.
We aren’t perfect
In no way do I think mentally divorcing your spouse is the healthiest way to live your marriage, but it’s working for us. Divorcing the ideas of who we think we should be as husband and wife have been a Godsend. Navigating life in an untraditional headspace that causes your spirit to mourn who you once were is terrifying. It’s actually really sad.
Having the courage to boldly say you’re no longer going to live under the lid of who you think others portray you to be is powerful. Getting out of the box and shattering glass ceilings are all things women who find themselves drowning under the pressure of “marriage” should strive for. I knew we wouldn’t have a happily ever after if our lives continued the way they were going. There are no rules. No regulations. Just Us. And honestly. that’s more then I could have ever asked for.
Until Next Time,